You care way too much.

WAY too much.

You seek validation for your opinions and way of living. You ask for approval for your decisions and actions. You look for the slightest sign of disagreement and beat yourself up for it.

If they don’t think you should think that way, your feelings are wrong.
If they don’t think acting in that way is appropriate or wise, you can’t do it.
If they don’t show affection towards you, you shake and shatter.

What are you, then?

A puppet on other people’s strings? EVERYONE’s string?

Looks like everyone has a say over your life but you.

Wow. Do you live in jail?

This has to stop.

You aren’t able to make your own decisions. You aren’t allowed to choose your own life path. You cannot select the people around you. You can’t even simply be you.

In this article, you will learn 4 reasons to stop giving a fuxk and the “nap” framework (to help you deal with snakes that are constantly robbing joy from your life).

Let’s start.

4 reasons to stop giving a fuxk

1) Realise that people are also people (like you)

They made fun of your appearance. They call you dumb. They say you’re trying too hard. They curse that you will never succeed.

Before you get angry or frustrated, look at them and think about this:

Don’t these people have a whole life to live? A whole list of problems to deal with? Their finances, their interpersonal relationships, their personal development (if any)?

You feel insecure about how you look, so as they.
You feel insecure about your ability, so as they.
You care about your image in front of other people, so as they.

Don’t see them as the invader and you as the victim.

Just see them as who they are, which is just, human.

They are just like you.

They have their problems, their emotions, their lives.

They are not superior to you, so their opinions are also NOT superior to yours.

Do you think you look good? Do you think you are smart? Do you appreciate your effort in trying to become a better person? Do you see the potential inside of you?

Yes? Great, then ignore their opinions.

No? Then try to fix them, one by one, from in to out.

Let’s say you want to start from your physical appearance.

Learn how to dress better. Cultivate your style and taste. You can watch YouTube videos about these or ask friends who are fashionable and look good (in your opinion, that you would like to imitate) for advice.

Start working out and doing a little exercise. Perhaps a walk after dinner. Put on your favorite song, enjoy your own company.

Change your haircut.

Get your skin and hair care done.

Learn how to do make-up.

And the most important thing is, learn to appreciate yourself.

Do some daily affirmations, talk to yourself a little.

To address insecurities from a deeper (root) level, you will want to do some shadow work or journaling questions.

No outside bandage fixes inside problems.

Insecurity is an inside problem. It’s not just about your looks, it’s more about your core.

Fix the core, and you’ll glow from the inside out.

2) People can never know you more than you

You think people know you better than you?

Then you need to work harder. Do shadow work questions, journal.

I don’t care how busy you are, I care you are the only person you will always have and have to be in this life.

It makes no sense NOT to invest the most time and energy in understanding yourself FIRST before you attempt to understand or spend time with anyone else.

Prioritise YOU above any other people.

Other people and relationships can wait, you can’t.

And frankly, if you can’t even establish a healthy relationship with yourself, it is impossible to establish healthy relationships with anyone else.

Ok, so now we have spent a decent amount of time (on the scale of months or years, not days) “professionally” studying ourselves- our past, our vision (future), our emotions, ambitions, and words and behaviours.

Do you still think others know you more than you?

How you think? Why you act or feel in certain way? Why you make that decision?

If you have taken “studying yourself” seriously, your answer is a firm “(fuxk) no”.

So it is not about how well other people know about you, it is about how much effort you have invested to understand yourself.

Only you have a chance to be the person who understands you the most thoroughly, because you are you.

You are in your body. You are experiencing all these emotions and thoughts, first hand.

Once you pour in the effort, you will quickly realise that other people really know nothing about you (mainly because you realise how little you know about yourself before doing these inner work), and automatically stop taking things so personally.

3) People project, not reflect

I cannot emphasise this enough.

What people say to you, do to you, make you feel, is more about them, not you.

They are the actor (bring out the action).

You are just their target audience.

Think about it: does everyone treat you the same way?

No.

But are you a person with a split personality, or wear fake masks in front of different people, or just the same person?

If you are just the same person, then different people treating you differently can only be attributed to one reason: they are different.

Simple logic.

Of course, if you think you have problems or can do better, good, improve yourself (for you).

Improving yourself will always be worth it (because you get the experience of being a better person and creating a better life).

But sometimes people are just giving unreasonable criticism or saying things from their perspectives that doesn’t match your worldview (e.g. you want to start a business, but they ask you to get a job for the sake of security).

But the security is what they want, not what you want.

And only you have to live your life.

So who are you listening to?

4) Sometimes god put people in your way to test you

The last but not least, life is a test.

God may put people in your way to test your determination, your consistency, your perseverance.

You want to start a business? He lets people tell you it’s risky.

You want to fall in love? He lets people tell you you may get hurt.

You want to be yourself? He lets people tell you you are selfish.

God lets you step back and think deeper before you make any decisions, because without deep and critical thinking, you will give up from the slightest obstacles (which are inevitable) on your way, and you’re doomed to lose.

God is trying to help you.

What you should do is carefully evaluate your situation, taking the risks and benefits, your deepest desires, what actually works in real life (evidence), into account, then make the best plan and execute and refine on a consistent basis.

Nothing good comes effortlessly.

As the saying goes, “Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods” (Thomas Paine, The American Crisis No. 1, 1776).

You want great things? You gotta face bigger obstacles.

As simple as that.

In practice: How to deal with these people

Frankly, the best way to deal with these people is to not deal with them at all.

It’s hard not to be affected, so the best thing you can do really is to cut them off.

It is more feasible and easier than you think.

People have lots of problems and things to worry about. You are the least of their concerns. Ignore their texts or calls for a few times (even better: block them) and they’ll probably forget about you.

Even if they didn’t, they really can’t do anything to you for shutting off your channel of communication.

Even if they attempt to make a scene, ignore the scene as well. Do NOT get involved by any means. Don’t talk to the people in your mutual circle about how they are troubling you, just keep it low-key and show the world you are NOT open to discussing this matter.

Even when people ask, just say “I’d prefer not saying anything.” or go silent.

Most importantly, do NOT try to explain why are you ignoring these people, how devilish they are to make you do so, blah blah blah.

What you’re doing isn’t getting yourself some sympathy, but exposing yourself for other people to attack.

No matter how valid or strong your reasons seem to you, they will inevitably seem like garbage to people who simply have the same worldview or life philosophy as you, and you really set yourself up for failure by doing so.

What is not known cannot be judged.

Even if they attempt to judge, they base their judgements on their guessing, not facts (which can only be expressed from your words).

Keep your reasons private, and those who care about your feelings will respect your decisions and shut up at asking any further questions. These are the only people worthy to keep in your life.

For the ones who want drama for free at the cost is traumatising you, kick them out of your life as well.

However, I understand sometimes you may not want to let the world know you dislike them (for example, that toxic person is a family member of yours that you don’t see often), but simply want to get rid of the negative emotions they stir up.

Then, you may use my “nap” framework.

The NAP framework

It’s called the “nap” framework because it is as if you’re napping and don’t know what is going on so you stay unaffected.

1) No attention

First of all, when they haven’t attempt to talk to you, focus on anything else other than them.

Talk to other people, enjoy your meal (when it’s a family gathering), be happy. Just immerse in the good vibe.

2) Acknowledgement

If they attempt to talk to you (e.g. asking you stupid questions), acknowledge that you heard their questions (especially when other people are watching) but do not respond attentively.

If their questions are straightforward (e.g. how old are you now?) you can give the shortest answer possible (or if you don’t want to answer, just nod your head) and quickly talk to someone else to show that you aren’t available (nor interested in) continuing the conversation.

If they say something inappropriate, it’s even better- you don’t even have to acknowledge that you heard them, just pretend you didn’t hear it (even if it looks very fake)- other people will understand it is you saving face for that person, it is you doing that person a favor, and it has nothing to do with impoliteness.

If some people attempt to direct your focus to what had been said to you and trying to enforce a response from you, be careful, that person is as vile (if not more vile) than the person who is talking shxt to you.

Ignore that person as well.

3) Politeness

As you may have noticed, the nap framework is all about keeping harmony and peacefulness in the situation.

Because this is what we are trying to achieve (or you would have chosen the “cut them off” option).

Remember, you’re polite because you are you, not because you are talking to them.

Do not fall from grace for anyone, especially snakes.

Yes, their words are inappropriate. They have no respect for you. They cross your boundaries. They made you feel bad.

But that’s on them. The words come from their mouth, not yours. What they say can only illustrate who they are, not who you are.

How you respond to their words says everything about who you are.

That’s the whole purpose why they are constantly trying to ruin you with their words: they want to see you lose your temper, shouting or arguing like a madman/madwoman; and they also say those things in front of other people because they also want others to see you losing temper.

Do not fall for their traps.

Zoom out, look from a wider perspective, not just from your eyes in your body.

Calmly interpret the situation.

Do not look at the situation emotionally, but logically.

Do you think the person who is talking shxt to you is happy themselves? Do you think they are satisfied with their lives? Do you think they are secure and confident?

No. They are filled with jealousy and resentment. They aren’t happy with anything in their lives so they won’t be happy with anything in your life. They are insecure as fuxk so they try to project their insecurities onto you.

These are the lowest of the low-lives.

Look at them with compassion, with pity, not with anger.

Let them be. Their bitterness is so deeply rooted in their hearts that they are their biggest victim; you don’t even have to do anything for “revenge” because that alone is suffering enough.

Once you realise what they say is more about them than you, you starts to take everything less (if any) personal, and will feel so liberated.

Be a strategic player

Life is a game, especially interpersonal relationships.

If you can’t handle interpersonal relationships, you can’t handle your life.

Clients, coworkers, your boss, random people on the street, the bus driver, the cafe worker, your family members, friends, spouse, are all people.

Failure in dealing with people in your workplace keeps you away from successes.

Failure in dealing with people in your personal life keeps you away from healthy and loving relationships.

If you want to master life, you must master people, including yourself (e.g. be disciplined).

That said, you need not to panic.

Life is a long-term game and I am sure you have time to become a master of it- but only if you are willing to improve your skills on a consistent basis.

Consistency beats intensity every time.

Make yourself make some progress every day, no matter how small it is. The key is “every day”.

Once your improvement becomes a habit, a second nature, it is hard to not become a master of interpersonal relationships in record time.

I believe in you.

That’s all for this one.

Thank you for reading.